I’m Starting Over

Here’s a poem I wrote 7 years ago, before divorce was even on the radar.   

Around the same time I wrote that poem, I released my first solo CD, which was truly a bold declaration of independence for me – all about breaking away, life changes.  Although many changes were obviously going on in my psyche, from all outward appearances, things looked pretty much the same.

It’s funny, my voice teacher always says our spirits know before the rest of us.  She’s so right about that one.  If any of you write poetry, especially stream-of-consciousness – Seriously check out your work! 

Every Little Self-Deception           ©amg1 9/2000

Every little self deception

Every little sacrifice

Rolled up in a big package

Made me nice

But now as I try to reclaim them

One by one

It’s too painful

Maybe we can’t get through this after all

Every little “ok honey”

Every little swallowed cry

Every little “no time for dinner –

see you later – bye”

And now I try to tell you

It’s not ok and it never was

I lied to you then

I lied to myself

Maybe we can’t get through this after all

If I were honest before

We wouldn’t’ve been in this mess

But we wouldn’t’ve lasted this long either

Is my guess

I bend

So it doesn’t hurt as much

And I try not to expect you

To do the things you just don’t do

More and more I expect a lot less of you

And it feels so empty

Like fantasy filled me before

But now I know I need

A whole lot more

It’s not ok

It never was

I lied to you and I

lied to myself

And maybe we won’t get through this

No I don’t think we can get through this after all

My future ex was talking to a woman friend the other day and she was telling him she wishes she could go out at night more – she loves going to clubs and shows, but her husband is such a homebody and likes having her home at night, so she makes sure she’s home every evening to spend it with him.

My future ex asked her – “Well, what do you do, at home with him?  She replied he usually sits on the couch and watches TV and falls asleep within an hour.”

He was surprised by that.  I was surprised he was surprised.  I said “I’ve done that for you for years.  That’s just something women do.”

There are so many little self-sacrificial things that so many women do that men don’t even notice.

No more of that now.

——————-

I almost had a mentor.  I’d gone through all the training at Fresh Start to be eligible for one. 

They assigned me to a woman who took almost 2 weeks to call from the time they gave her my information.  They said she was travelling, and then sick.  Ok.

She finally called early last week and left a message saying: “Here’s my cell phone and work phone.  It would be best to call me at home tonight.”

She didn’t leave her home phone number.  I called her on her cell and left a message.  The next day I called her on her work phone and left a message.  3 days after that, I still hadn’t heard back from her.

I just called Fresh Start and cancelled our future relationship.  She sounded nice and in the past I might’ve kept trying and waiting.  But I’m learning some things are not acceptable, and they show their cards early.  It’s better to call it now than 30 years in. 

Older women are very cool.  I used to be afraid of getting older, staring in the mirror freaking out at any signs.  I believe I just had very bad role models.  More and more I’m seeing the shape of things to come, and I’m pretty impressed.

Do you know who was one of the worst? Helen Gurley Brown.  Do you remember when she turned 70 and she just moaned about how horrible it was, like all her best years were over – for a woman it was all downhill, etc. etc etc. 

But I’m seeing more and more now, that’s just not true.  I’m meeting more and more amazing older women out there.   Most of them have gone through tough times – divorced, widowed, anything you can think of.  But the women I’m meeting now are strong and self-assured.  Continually growing, expanding, creating.  People I want to be like when I grow up.  Wait a minute!  I am grown up!  And it’s ok.

 I started reading a book last night, “The Female Brain” and it talked about the different stages of the female brain, and how we’re so dramatically influenced by hormones at the different stages of our lives and how the lack of these raging hormones in our later years gives us a sense of steadiness we’ve never had. 

Also, the book says much of the hormonal surges female go through contribute to their need to nurture, needs for approval, and to take care of everyone else.  Then, as a woman gets older and these hormones dwindle, her priorities and attention shift back to herself.  Who’s making dinner?

I spent the evening with AH, my jewelry designer.   She’s in her 70s.  So creative!   So knowledgeable.  Her whole demeanor – she’s loving, caring and at the same time – she’s no nonsense/take no prisoners.  She knows her stuff, and there’s such an honesty and a strength to her.

I said to her, “I’m so inspired by you.  You know, as someone younger, it’s nice to know life doesn’t end at 35 like some people might have you believe!”  I forget exactly what she said, but she made it pretty crystal clear that that was a ridiculous perspective.  She intended to be creating, growing and learning for many many more years to come, and in some ways, she was just getting started.

I’m so looking forward to being a grown-up.      

We went out with our real estate agent last night to look at some duplexes in her neighborhood as possible investment properties.  She’s in a great neighborhood and we had the best pizza there I’ve had in years – that alone could make it worth buying there; but of course, no one’s going anywhere till we sell this house.

She said the market out there is crazy.  Buyers aren’t buying.  They’re waiting.  Buyers are afraid that if they buy this week they’ll regret it, because maybe a better deal could’ve been had if they’d waited another week.   She said some brokerage houses have closed.  No business.  Can’t afford to keep their doors open right now.

I said “Doesn’t anybody need a house?”  She said of course.  But people are scared, especially with all the bad news on the news every night.  It’s like a joke already.  I heard that Stephen Colbert did a whole spoof on all the doomsday predictors.  I wish I could’ve seen that.

Do you remember the alar scare a few years back, and then no one ate apples for about a year and apple sales plummeted?  I don’t remember being told if or when it became safe to eat apples again.  I just remember all the scares and what it did to apple sales.  

—————

We had another open house today.  I thought that was pretty optimistic of my realtor, given our conversation from last night.  But actually, someone came through and expressed interest.  He said he wants to come back and look again with his wife.  We’ll see if/where that goes.  But at least someone is out there looking. 

Here’s the tip.  Do not delete your most popular entry.

Several weeks ago, I posted a long article called “Art, Painting and Why I Blog.”  Two things about this post – One, It was very long, so I put it up as 6 separate posts:  “Art, Painting and Why I Blog Part 1”, “Art, Painting and Why I Blog Part 2,” etc.  Two, It was also the most popular post I’d ever put up.  The day I posted it, my viewership tripled and I haven’t gotten back to that number again yet.

The day after I posted “Art, Painting and Why I Blog”, a friend reported to me that he enjoyed the post, but it was a little clumsy to read the 6 parts, because of the nature of blogging/blog posts –  when he got to the bottom of part one, he’d have to scroll back through it and then to find the beginning of part 2, etc., as opposed to a book where you just start and keep going.

The next day I revisited my post and thought “He’s right!”, so I went back to my 6 separate entries and turned it into one big one, deleting parts 2 through 6.

Hey?  Where’d all the readers go?

Just yesterday I learned about a feature called “incoming links” that tells you where people link to your blog from and I looked into mine.  Lo and behold!  I discovered other sites were linking to blog entries that I had deleted (restructured).  I also learned of incoming links to some of my other posts that I had changed the title of, and now those incoming links just pointed to nowhere.

 You live you learn. 

I’m not used to quality jewelry.  I’m used to artsy, showy, cheaper (plastic & glass) jewelry.  I’ve always worn creative pieces that are fun to wear and almost always get noticed.

I spent yesterday morning with one of my jewelry designers working on our first piece.  Her natural style is more conservative than mine.  She has an eye for color and works with top quality materials, including Swarovski Crystals – they’re from Austria and apparently world-renown for their quality.   I didn’t think I would’ve known a crystal from a piece of glass, but these crystals, even in their little plastic boxes, were each very pretty little pieces of shine.

We had time to half-finish an idea of a necklace together, and had enough of the gist of it that she was able to put a clasp on it so I could put it on and walk around with it on for a few days.

When I got home, I put on a plain white top so the necklace would be the star.  It’s funny, if I had seen this piece in a store next to something cheaper and flashier and artsier – I probably would’ve gravitated towards the second.

But when I put this necklace on……

For someone who’s used to wearing the cheaper jewelry, I had no idea what crystals did.  Pretty plastic next to simple crystals.  It’s like the difference between a grown woman with perfect make-up next to a 10-year-old with perfect skin.  Nothing can compete with natural oiliness, freshness and fat content.

The plastic and glass pieces I’ve always worn have always been very pretty – nice colors, interesting designs.  But each of these tiny little crystals picked up the light, like little individual diamonds – it was like I had this radiant, magical strand around my neck.

I wore it into work at the studio, feeling expensive and radiant with all that power and shine around my neck, but no one noticed – at least, no one said anything.  That bothered me a little.  I’m going to continue wearing it over the weekend.   But I know there’s still work to be done.  It’s a work-in-progress.

Getting a business up and running is expensive and hard work.  Some of the step-by-step guides trick you into thinking it could be a piece of cake; but the reality is that each little step has around 100 sub-steps, and each one of those little sub-steps has another hundred of it’s own.

Today I received the boxes for packaging my first product and it took me 15 minutes to put one box together.  I’m sure I’ll get faster at it (I’d better!J), but still, there are things I’ll have to do by hand, and without much profit to be made, until I’m ready to order in quantity.  I don’t have the thousands of dollars right now to risk investing in inventory that might sit around for who knows how long.

Also, I already have an entire closet full of boxes of brand new, shrink-wrapped CDs.

I’ve been in the music industry for many years, both as an artist, and as an “executive” (in the loosest sense of the word!).  For about 13 years,  I’ve been the “president” of a recording label owned by me & my soon-to-be-ex husband.

When we formed our label in 1994, we were both artists/musicians, not business people.  We were both totally into the music, without a clue as to, what do you do after you produce a great album?  What’s marketing?

In the mid-90s, there were more and more business books coming on the market on how to do almost everything.  It was around the beginning of the music industry’s big “do-it-yourself” revolution.

I took on the role of President of our record label, because 1) my husband was the one who was spending the most hours in the studio doing the recording work, and 2) it was a good business climate at the time for a woman-owned business, with some new unique business and networking opportunities, of which I was the better at of the two of us anyway.

As President;  I ended up becoming the one responsible for all the day-to-day financial and business-running decisions of our company.  Clueless and in charge.  A powerful combination.

I put on a good front and did the best I could.  The product itself was awesome, but neither of us knew a thing about running a business.  I believe even Frank Sinatra or the Beatles wouldn’t’ve had a chance in our hands.

—————

Regarding the new business I’m getting ready to start, I’ve  been taking a lot of classes and seeking as much help as I can, to do it right this time. 

With my new business, my recent first product decision has been whether to 1) spend thousands of dollars to buy in quantity at a low cost (and then run the risk of having the new product join the CD party in my closet), or 2) pay 3-5x as much for limited inventory and materials, and then, when I can see the product becoming profitable, order in quantity at substantial quantity discounts.

I chose #2 this time, with very little initial profit and long days ahead of me as box assembler.

BUT, I’m ok with that.  Take it slow.  See how it goes.

Someone said to me – wouldn’t it be fantastic if as soon as you put your product on the market, you get orders for thousands!   

Well, yes and no.  I would have to work really fast to get those orders out, but it could be done.  But then, what about if I do get an order for 1000 right away, and quickly order thousands more, and then find out it was a fluke?

 —————–

See, that’s what’s happened in the past with CD sales.  A couple of times, some of our titles got off to a great start – quickly almost selling out of the initial order.  Then I would get excited and put in a new order before the first one ran out.

On one of our titles, which we released 10 years ago, there are still 50 left from the first run, and then the entire new batch.  We came so close to being sold out of the original order, quickly reordered, and then never even touched the second.

We made so many bad business decisions.  It’s almost funny, but it’s not.

In 1995, we released a hit children’s album.  It was played all over the world and sold slowly, but steadily, through independent sales and music websites.

First major Clueless Move  

We live close to one coast.  We had family on the other coast, and did some performing out there, and the album began to take off.  We ended up becoming very popular on the other coast, (not the one close to us!), championed by the children’s store, Zany Brainy, who at that time was very into promoting children’s music and musicians in their stores.

The musicians who performed at the Zany Brainy store openings didn’t get paid.  In fact, we had to provide our own flights to the gigs.  But the promotional opportunities were priceless.  The top children’s artists of the day were performing at those store openings and now we were being invited to move into this circuit.

But we had had no money available for marketing, tour support, etc.   Too broke to capitalize on what that time was the primo marketing opportunity for a children’s artist.

Clueless Move Number 2 

The largest distributor of kids’ music offered to place our CD in stores throughout the country.  Rather than being “savvy and astute”, we became “flattered and floating on Cloud 9”. We took out loans to manufacture and ship thousands of CDs out to the distributor, and for several months were celebrities to our friends and families.

No one ever told us about market shifts.  Store closings.  Returns.

—————-

Over these past 10 years I’ve developed a greater compassion and understanding for business owners.

Being in the music business, a very annoying thing music loving non-record label owners used to like to say was:  “The record companies are robbing the people!  Charging $15 for a CD!  Everyone knows CDs only cost $1 to make!!!!”

Yeah sure.  What about the photos & artwork?  What about the cost of the musicians?  What about the production and studio costs?  What about tour support and radio support so you even know this music exists?  What about the risk the company takes in printing up large quantities of CDs that may never even sell (i.e. – see “closet” above)?

Everytime I hear that I just want to punch someone.

————-

I love music and no doubt will continue to be a fool for the art and take on the disproportionate expense of putting out my best work possible.  But financially speaking, I have yet to break even.

—————-

Which brings me back to my respect for business and business people, and this new business I’m taking on.  I have learned a lot by doing everything wrong.  With my new business venture, I’m making the choice this time to wade in through the baby pool, one step at a time.

I hope it does really well.  But not too fast. 

I need to work very visually, with everything spread out so I can see it.  I was lamenting to Z the other night how difficult it’s becoming as a potential home-seller, with concerns of keeping surfaces clutter free for the multitudes of prospective buyers that I know will be coming through at any time now(?)……

It’s gotten so hard to get any work done, because I conscientiously keep trying to put things away.  Several times a “buyer-alert” phone call has prompted me to shove everything into a pile in a closet or a drawer – only to not get back to it until over a week later.

And then when I do get back to the project, it takes awhile to figure out where I left off.  And there’s always something missing that can take another chunk of the day to locate (if ever!).

It’s pretty stressful, with such major projects looming in front of me and demanding my full attention (i.e. starting a business, getting a divorce, and going to a conference next week where I’ll be performing and hosting a dinner party).

Z recommended bins.   She recommended I sort things into a few major categories, and stick them in big-labeled, see-through bins.

She also recommended a particular container store where they have brightly-colored, super-functional bins, but we don’t have one nearby, so I just went to Fry’s supermarket and brought home a bunch of non-descript, see-through lidded bins which are going to work fine.  I put big labels on them – “New Business”, “Divorce”, “Music-related”, and “Other assorted non-urgent things that need to be dealt with.”

I spent about an hour going through piles and piles and files and files of paper, throwing everything into the bins.  I think it’s going to work! 

We just got back from the bank, where we discussed refinancing to lower our monthly mortgage payments, so we could rent it out for cashflow.

It’s hard to know what to do, because the cost of refinancing would be around $3,000, and what if we’re able to sell it in a few months?  We would’ve just given away $3,000.

Another option someone told us about is if we offer to pay down some points on a new loan, it could make the property more attractive to a buyer.  We’re going to be meeting with our realtor on Friday and will discuss our options.

It’s really getting pretty silly out there.  The banker said the good news is, in the area we’re living in, the homes have pretty closely retained their value.  They’re still appraising at not much lower from where they’ve been.  The bad news is, nobody’s buying them anyway.

The builders here are offering their new homes like a big blowout sale.  They’re almost giving them away, with spectacular incentives.  I understand that some new home builders are even throwing in new cars.  How can anyone compete with that?

I just read an interesting article about the housing market & what’s going on out there.   

Cull and prioritize. So much to do.

I’m going to an out-of-state music conference in two weeks that I’ll be performing at. I’ve also volunteered to put together a dinner there, and now that that date is getting closer, it’s taking up a lot of time.

And of course, I’m starting a new business, which I had hoped would be up and running by now, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen for at least a few weeks.

WG called last night. He’s also a musician, a great friend and an amazing human being. He’s been there for me through all of this, solid as a rock.

We hadn’t spoken in awhile and when he asked what I was up to I relayed the multitude of projects, obsessions and distractions I was involved in. I asked him if he wanted to go out tomorrow night to see a friend of ours who was performing downtown. He said he would love to, but he had already committed to playing in a concert for peace that was taking place somewhere else.

I said “Great. I’m conquering the world. You’re saving it.”

There’s just so much I want to do and feel I should be doing. EL and DK are going ahead with the real estate investing that we’ve all been reading and learning so much about. They’re moving forward, meeting with people and investment contacts. I feel like I’ve followed the crowd up to the dock, but now the boat is leaving without me.

Right now I’m doing everything I know I’m supposed to be doing, and more it would be best to clear all thoughts of “missing the boat” out of my head, because there is always another one coming.

There are only so many hours in the day. And as DK wisely put it, “The pie is only so big. No matter how you slice it, the pie is still the same size.”