No pouty men.

The topic of the week among my friends and I, both single and unhappily married, seems to be men.

It’s funny how our requirements in men change as we get older.

When I was young, if a guy had a baby face, good hair and a cute butt, perfect! If he was a musician, well, ten extra bonus points for that.

As someone who is once again entering the singles world, I have recently singled out two immediate disqualifiers:

1. Men who pout and brood when they don’t get what they want.

2. Chronic inconsistency.

Good hair is still nice. And a cute butt wouldn’t hurt! And I’m nowheres near ready for another relationship. But I am forming new limits, boundaries and expectations.

 

 

A sexist comment and a clever retort

I just got back from my goal setting meeting with EL and DK. 

We were talking about clichés, and EL shared a nasty and common one:

“Women age like milk (trans: “sour”) and men age like wine.”

To which EL interpreted:

“That’s true.  Women age like fine cheese, and men age like vinegar.”

Funny.  Thanks EL.

 

Men who love their women, Joni Mitchell and the Soundtracks of our lives

I remember a movie awhile back starring either Kyra Sedgewick or Jessica Lang, and her business and her art was that she made these goofy chairs. Her new man cared about that, and showed it, and that was a really big deal and the whole climax of the movie.

 

Today was my students’ recital. My future ex said he would be here to help me out, but then he made other plans. But then he did return halfway through the recital and was able to make the punch and help me clean up.

 

I turned on my I-Pod today and the first song that came up was Joni Mitchell singing about being tempted at times to want to settle down with a man, but those thoughts were fleeting because she knew she was a “wild seed”.

 

I have performance commitments in town through August. Then I’m going to go on the road.

 

Mature love or high school forever?

I’m so glad I’m going to be single now.  The things we do for love – it’s kind of crazy.  From this view from the outside, looking in at everyone else’s “love” relationships, I’m starting to feel just fine about not having one of my own. 

I had a long talk yesterday with MJ about men and jealousy.  MJ is gorgeous.  She loves her husband, who is not gorgeous.  Recently, a close friend of theirs said to MJ’s husband “How did you get so lucky to get such a beautiful wife!” 

Her husand got furious and snubbed [the friend], then gathered up his wife (MJ) and they left abruptly, leaving the friend sitting there, feeling terrible for saying such a horrible thing.

I said to MJ, that sounded like a compliment to me – that he must be pretty wonderful himself to have attracted such a wonderful wife.   MJ thought so too, but that’s not how he took it.  Apparently he’s very insecure, and filtered the compliment in as something like: “you ugly shlub why would anyone good want you.”

I have another friend, AC, who had a really great friend, VK.  Handsome, sweet.  He adored AC.  I hadn’t seen VK around in awhile, and then when recently when I asked AC about him, she gave me a weird, evasive kind of answer. Yesterday I learned the inside scoop.  Apparently AC’s husband was so jealous of VK, that AC had to break off all contact.

Before I got married, I had some pretty great male friends, but for reasons like the above, I broke off contact.  I’m sure I was jealous & possessive too.  But one would hope that with maturity some of those social restrictions couples put on each other would go away. 

Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps love doesn’t last forever, but high school does.

I’m looking forward to once again to having close friendships with men.  They are half the population after all.  And if/when someday I again meet a nice guy that I want to settle down with, I hope we’re not jerks.

 

Music, musicians, community & inspiration & good huggers

I haven’t blogged in a few days because I was out of town at a music conference and I don’t have a laptop.  It was a fantastic experience and I think I fell in love at least 3 times.

With musicians.  Good ones.  Hold me back.  Seriously.

The first night there, someone hosted a Joni Mitchell song circle, where everyone who sings a Joni Mitchell song was invited to perform.  I love Joni Mitchell and I cover 2 of her songs.

There was one guy there, a baritone, RD, with the most amazing round, fluid, passionate voice.  He just blew me away.  I could’ve listen to him sing all night.  The whole evening was fantastic – bonding, singing and just great feelings flowing through that room.  RD was a great hugger too.

Over the course of the weekend, I shared the stage twice with a striking, enigmatic young Swedish guitar player/singer (YH) (think – a young “Sting”) whose music literally soared.  At one point, the mc/host remarked: “That’s the way it’s supposed to be done.”   BTW, he was also a great hugger.    

Then yesterday, at a restaurant overlooking a huge rolling river, I sat and talked with the sweetest, soft-spoken, most amazingly talented guy.  We ran into each other several times throughout the evening.    Also a good hugger.

In fairness, some of the women were good huggers too:)  Music, new & old friends, and some new crushes.  I felt an incredible sense of family and community among peers and I’m so looking forward to getting out there and on with my new life.  It’s an alternate universe to the one I’ve been living in.  And a very attractive one at that.

I’m tired.  The past two nights I went to bed at 3:00 a.m.  But I’m feeling good.  Expansive and inspired.

 

Redefining Boundaries & Limits – what was ok then and what isn’t ok now

My future ex was talking to a woman friend the other day and she was telling him she wishes she could go out at night more – she loves going to clubs and shows, but her husband is such a homebody and likes having her home at night, so she makes sure she’s home every evening to spend it with him.

My future ex asked her – “Well, what do you do, at home with him?  She replied he usually sits on the couch and watches TV and falls asleep within an hour.”

He was surprised by that.  I was surprised he was surprised.  I said “I’ve done that for you for years.  That’s just something women do.”

There are so many little self-sacrificial things that so many women do that men don’t even notice.

No more of that now.

——————-

I almost had a mentor.  I’d gone through all the training at Fresh Start to be eligible for one. 

They assigned me to a woman who took almost 2 weeks to call from the time they gave her my information.  They said she was travelling, and then sick.  Ok.

She finally called early last week and left a message saying: “Here’s my cell phone and work phone.  It would be best to call me at home tonight.”

She didn’t leave her home phone number.  I called her on her cell and left a message.  The next day I called her on her work phone and left a message.  3 days after that, I still hadn’t heard back from her.

I just called Fresh Start and cancelled our future relationship.  She sounded nice and in the past I might’ve kept trying and waiting.  But I’m learning some things are not acceptable, and they show their cards early.  It’s better to call it now than 30 years in. 

 

Being newly almost single in the social scene – Part 2

Being Newly Almost Single on the Social Scene, Part 2 

 

It’s very weird out there, as an (almost) single woman – in the world of single guys.

  

I thought I was pretty levelheaded, cool, but I actually felt a little off-balance, being around VE today.  I don’t know why I should be (ok, here’s the little voice in my head speaking: “maybe because you’ve been married 30 years and a nice guy is showing interest in you for the first time in 30 years because you’ve been married this whole time, knucklehead, and now you’re not?!!”)

 

Not only married, but monogamously, loyally married.  I thought I was a lifer, and now clearly, I’m not, and it’s going to take some adjusting to.

 

I really like VE, but just the energy of that whole man/woman thing – it’s like “Ok, what do I do with this?  I’m so not used to this right now.”  It just threw me off balance.

 

——————

 

It’s funny, a few months ago I went to a music conference and bonded with my roommate, RD, who had been to this particular conference many times before, and knew a lot of the attendees, so we had a lot of meals with her friends.

 

At that time, even though my husband and I hadn’t yet officially started our divorce proceedings, some of my “married lady” veneer had apparently already begun to wear off.

 

There was this one guy, one of her friends’ friends (a peripheral friend), nice looking, successful club owner, who followed me almost everywhere.  He came to all my showcases, sat next to me at every meal, hung out with us (me) at every opportunity and made some, what I thought were a little weird, sexual comments.

 

In the privacy, confidentiality of our hotel room, I said to RD, “[___] is a little bit of a lech, isn’t he?”  She was surprised, and asked, did he make an aggressive pass at me, do anything lewd, inappropriate?  I said, “No!  but he shows up at all my showcases and is always trying to sit next to me at dinner….”

 

I will never forget the look RD gave me.  She looked at me like I was totally nuts, and said “And why wouldn’t a man be attracted to you?  He just likes you.  What’s wrong with that?”

 

Oh.  That’s what that is.