Here’s a poem I wrote 7 years ago, before divorce was even on the radar.   

Around the same time I wrote that poem, I released my first solo CD, which was truly a bold declaration of independence for me – all about breaking away, life changes.  Although many changes were obviously going on in my psyche, from all outward appearances, things looked pretty much the same.

It’s funny, my voice teacher always says our spirits know before the rest of us.  She’s so right about that one.  If any of you write poetry, especially stream-of-consciousness – Seriously check out your work! 

Every Little Self-Deception           ©amg1 9/2000

 

Every little self deception

Every little sacrifice

Rolled up in a big package

Made me nice

 

But now as I try to reclaim them

One by one

It’s too painful

Maybe we can’t get through this after all

 

Every little “ok honey”

Every little swallowed cry

Every little “no time for dinner –

see you later – bye”

 

And now I try to tell you

It’s not ok and it never was

I lied to you then

I lied to myself

Maybe we can’t get through this after all

 

If I were honest before

We wouldn’t’ve been in this mess

But we wouldn’t’ve lasted this long either

Is my guess

 

I bend

So it doesn’t hurt as much

And I try not to expect you

To do the things you just don’t do

More and more I expect a lot less of you

 

And it feels so empty

Like fantasy filled me before

But now I know I need

A whole lot more

 

It’s not ok

It never was

I lied to you and I

lied to myself

And maybe we won’t get through this

No I don’t think we can get through this after all