Enough already

I feel like I’m sounding like a broken record to myself. “Well, when I’m divorced I’ll…” “As soon as I’m divorced I’ll….”

I was finally matched up with a mentor from Fresh Start.  Her name is RG and we met at Paradise Bakery on Saturday.  She said, “You know, we’re going to need to write down some goals…”  That’s when I heard that broken record again in my head, loud and clear, and I’m like, “Listen to yourself!”

I want out.  Now.

I just listed the piano again today on Craig’s list.

Next I’m going to cancel/reschedule a lunch date I have with VE (we haven’t seen each other since the post office, but he did call and apologize)

Then I’ll spend the day on the phone and do everything I can towards getting things moving towards wrapping up.

 

The joys and responsibilities that come with feeling 18 again

I really do feel 18 again, and I’ve been thinking about that, and realizing why.

Generalizationally speaking, what are the social forces that shape an 18-year-old’s mindset?

Sudden freedom with endless choices and possilities, the whole future ahead, combined with the (disappearing but still present) cushion of their parents’ financial support.

The wise 18-year-old lets off some steam, goes to a few parties, and then turns full throttle to “this is what I want and this is how I’m going to get it” and goes for it.

However, some of those young people get sidetracked, enjoy the parties a little too much and a little too long, and end up detoured into fry cook positions, and it takes them that much longer to get back into the saddle of their lives, if ever.

I’ve been trying to re-establish myself into a “balanced” life. I guess I’m rationalizing that by this point in life, I deserve that. But more and more, I’m seeing that no, this is not the time for that yet. Some engines have to be turned on full throttle, and that lovely little wheel of balance I’ve been craving is necessarily going to have to resemble more of a spiked helmet.

I have a very fun week ahead of me – social things going on including friends in from out of town, BUT….

I also have a lot of work to do. There’s so much I want for my life and I’m the only one who can create that. The luxury of this cushion will be gone very soon, and I’m not into fries.

 

Cull and prioritize. The pie is only so big.

Cull and prioritize. So much to do.

 

I’m going to an out-of-state music conference in two weeks that I’ll be performing at. I’ve also volunteered to put together a dinner there, and now that that date is getting closer, it’s taking up a lot of time.

 

And of course, I’m starting a new business, which I had hoped would be up and running by now, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen for at least a few weeks.

 

WG called last night. He’s also a musician, a great friend and an amazing human being. He’s been there for me through all of this, solid as a rock.

 

We hadn’t spoken in awhile and when he asked what I was up to I relayed the multitude of projects, obsessions and distractions I was involved in. I asked him if he wanted to go out tomorrow night to see a friend of ours who was performing downtown. He said he would love to, but he had already committed to playing in a concert for peace that was taking place somewhere else.

 

I said “Great. I’m conquering the world. You’re saving it.”

 

There’s just so much I want to do and feel I should be doing. EL and DK are going ahead with the real estate investing that we’ve all been reading and learning so much about. They’re moving forward, meeting with people and investment contacts. I feel like I’ve followed the crowd up to the dock, but now the boat is leaving without me.

 

Right now I’m doing everything I know I’m supposed to be doing, and more it would be best to clear all thoughts of “missing the boat” out of my head, because there is always another one coming.

There are only so many hours in the day. And as DK wisely put it, “The pie is only so big. No matter how you slice it, the pie is still the same size.”