Reasons to be Cheerful

Sometimes I’ll get caught up in sadness, and it makes me mad at myself, because it sucks the energy out of everything and doesn’t do me or anyone else any good. When I can’t “snap out of it” as quickly as I’d like, I just try to say busy, focused and moving ahead.

Look on the positive. Look on the positive.

I’m reminded me of a song I used to really like, about 20 years ago I had a little 45-record of this British song, “Reasons to be Cheerful”, Part 3”. It was very funny. It’s done kind of tongue-in-cheek, and kind of sincere. He sings about all these wonderful little things to be cheerful about, including the Queen and Big Ben. There is some irony, but you also get the sense like the guy’s really trying.

There are a lot of positives in my life right now and definite reasons to be cheerful. I think it will be a very good thing for overall attitude and perspective once we can sell this house and move on.

 

Rough day

Today was very hard. After a bit of drama and emotional turmoil, we finally succeeded in working out all the details of our divorce. Now there’s just a few numbers and logistical things to type out for the mediators and send in.

The last thing we’re waiting on now is selling the house, then we can wrap this all up.

The Sinead O’Connor song keeps running through my head: “This is the last day of our acquaintance.”

It’s not the last day. And I hope we can remain friends. But it’s very very hard. All the years, moments invested in this marriage. More than half my life. It was all kind of flashing before my eyes today.

Well, we raised a great kid. I just want to move on now and get over this really really difficult hump/transition period. I hope we’ll both be ok.

 

Not relationship ready

I’m not ready for dating yet

I saw VE today. I told him I didn’t want to do the man/woman/dating thing. I’d been thinking about it for awhile and know it’s the right decision.

When I was actually with him, though, I didn’t feel as sure.  He looked really cute today and I just wanted to reach over and hold his hand or something.  

When I told him how I felt though, he was fine. We were fine.  We had a nice afternoon.

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I just got off the phone with my brother, M.  We’re close.  I told him about my day and about how fragmented I’ve been feeling.  He said “of course you are.  I could’ve told you that. If you weren’t feeling that way right now, with all you’re doing, I’d think you were crazy.”

Thanks M.  Perspective checks.  Always good.  Life can be complicated.  I’m moving towards clearing my head.

 

A great guy and conflicting emotions

VE called last night to see if I wanted to do anything this weekend.

It’s hard. I’m feeling so conflicted. The short answer, yes. But the long answer – well, we made plans to get together next weekend.

He said something like “did you miss me?” or “were you thinking about me?”

The short answer – Yes. The long answer, I’m conflicted, and trying to stay on track.

Since the holiday, I’ve been very busy doing things with my future ex. We spent Thanksgiving together, and since he’s not working over the weekend we’ve been trying to get a lot done around the house, and then all day today holiday shopping.

I’ve been married most of my life, and have never been fully on my own, and I know the time to get that together is now. It’s like a gift to me, (in a painful sort of way), but no, really, I’m still young and have tremendous resources available to me, and as a human being, I need to become fully independent.

So along comes this really sweet, great guy, right?

Do you remember that movie, “An Unmarried Woman”, with Jill Clayburgh and Alan Bates? She gets out of an un-working marriage and is learning how to live independently, and along comes this major sweetie-pie, Alan Bates. They have this great relationship and chemistry, and then in the end, she leaves him, to be on her own, and I know we were all supposed to be shouting hurray you go girl! But I remember watching that movie and thinking “What!!! Why are you leaving Alan Bates!”

Now I think I know how she was feeling (although I really have to watch that movie again!). On so many levels, I crave to go right back into a comfortable relationship again. I want a nice man’s arms around me (VE!). I want to go on trips and have someone to walk around holding hands with. I want to jump into bed with someone, ok?

But first of all, I’ve been monogamous for my entire marriage – never even came close to having an affair. So I’m not about to start now. (Yes – we’re getting a divorce, but it won’t be official for another few months. I’m going to wait it out at least that long. No sex till I’m an ex).

Second of all, I know I’m at a vulnerable cross-road, and at what should be an unbelievably exciting new chapter in my life. I don’t know what I want yet, and there are so many choices to make, and roads to explore. Speaking of which, I’m still thinking about chucking everything here and going on the road.

That would be hard to do if I get all emotionally rooted again to a man. I have a monogamous nature, and as free-wheeling as I like to think of myself, I have a hard time being away from someone I’m committed to.

So I am going to see VE again next weekend, and I’m really looking forward to it. But in the meantime, I’m spending every waking minute of my free time working in the studio and working on my new business.