VE called last night to see if I wanted to do anything this weekend.

It’s hard. I’m feeling so conflicted. The short answer, yes. But the long answer – well, we made plans to get together next weekend.

He said something like “did you miss me?” or “were you thinking about me?”

The short answer – Yes. The long answer, I’m conflicted, and trying to stay on track.

Since the holiday, I’ve been very busy doing things with my future ex. We spent Thanksgiving together, and since he’s not working over the weekend we’ve been trying to get a lot done around the house, and then all day today holiday shopping.

I’ve been married most of my life, and have never been fully on my own, and I know the time to get that together is now. It’s like a gift to me, (in a painful sort of way), but no, really, I’m still young and have tremendous resources available to me, and as a human being, I need to become fully independent.

So along comes this really sweet, great guy, right?

Do you remember that movie, “An Unmarried Woman”, with Jill Clayburgh and Alan Bates? She gets out of an un-working marriage and is learning how to live independently, and along comes this major sweetie-pie, Alan Bates. They have this great relationship and chemistry, and then in the end, she leaves him, to be on her own, and I know we were all supposed to be shouting hurray you go girl! But I remember watching that movie and thinking “What!!! Why are you leaving Alan Bates!”

Now I think I know how she was feeling (although I really have to watch that movie again!). On so many levels, I crave to go right back into a comfortable relationship again. I want a nice man’s arms around me (VE!). I want to go on trips and have someone to walk around holding hands with. I want to jump into bed with someone, ok?

But first of all, I’ve been monogamous for my entire marriage – never even came close to having an affair. So I’m not about to start now. (Yes – we’re getting a divorce, but it won’t be official for another few months. I’m going to wait it out at least that long. No sex till I’m an ex).

Second of all, I know I’m at a vulnerable cross-road, and at what should be an unbelievably exciting new chapter in my life. I don’t know what I want yet, and there are so many choices to make, and roads to explore. Speaking of which, I’m still thinking about chucking everything here and going on the road.

That would be hard to do if I get all emotionally rooted again to a man. I have a monogamous nature, and as free-wheeling as I like to think of myself, I have a hard time being away from someone I’m committed to.

So I am going to see VE again next weekend, and I’m really looking forward to it. But in the meantime, I’m spending every waking minute of my free time working in the studio and working on my new business.