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Everybody asks me what I’m going to do.

I.  Have.  No.  Clue.

Actually, that’s not 100% true.  I know what I’m planning to do.

Drive.

I’m not supporting myself finanially very well here.  My teaching roster has severely dwindled down, and I haven’t been getting many new students.

At this point in life, I don’t have much patience left to do anything I don’t want to do.  I’ve tried starting up a few businesses (see earlier posts) and have done enough stupid business things to write “the stupid book.”

There’s nothing I want to do now except sing, play the piano and write songs, so I’m going to go on the road and do it.  Learn to live by serendipity and instinct.   My car gets 50 mpg.

Hence….(love that word!) I’m blogging again.  I figure,  this could be kind of like an “Eat Love Pray” thing, without the book advance, international travel, good food or meditation.

I haven’t booked any shows out of town yet, so once the house sells, I may just park at a friend’s for a few months, get my bearings, and then take off.  I just want to get out from under the burden of the bills of this house first.  As long as we’re stuck here, we both need to do everything we possibly can to keep the creditors happy until we can sell.

The value of our house has gone down almost 50%, but unlike those unlucky 1 in 4 underwaters, we still have some equity – not a lot – but what there is, we want to get out.  So we’re doing the best we can to stay until we sell.

Anyway, those be my plans for now.  I reserve the right to change at any point.

Wish me luck.

 

“pure consciousness unburdened by thought”

Yesterday I learned a new word yesterday from my friend, EL’s new blog .

“Mushin (pronounced moo-shin), or ‘no mind.’ It is a term that describes ”a state of pure consciousness unburdened by thought.”

EL learned the word in karate camp and talks about it in an interesting post.

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My mind’s been spinning so much lately with all my “todo lists” and “need to get done now” lists, I keep trying to go into “mushin” but I haven’t been able to turn the brain off lately.

Yesterday I was in one of my “enough is enough” modes and I think I actually made some organizational progress, that I’ll share with you.

My new method is a personalized system derived from one of my favorite books, “Getting Things Done”, and just looking at it has given me some sense of peace, so I’ll share it with you.

I have about nine projects in the forefront of my consciousness, and the disorganized stickee notes are beginning to pile up again, everywhere.

What I did was, I sorted everything according by those 9 projects, into their own distinct, little pile on the futon in my office, with a todo list on top of each one, and a “NEXT” item in red at the top of each of those todo lists. So as I get to each one, I’ll just cross off the “next”, and move on to the “next”, as I get to it, in my own sweet little time.

And then, as phone calls and brilliant ideas filter in here throughout the day, I’ll just place them in their own sweet little pile and jot a note on the cover sheet that it’s there, note it’s priority, and I’ll get to it when I get to it. Ahhhh!

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My students have been returning from their summer vacations. Yesterday, an outgoing, popular teenager returned to me after a 30 day canoeing trip in the wilds of Canada. She said it was very strange – being 30 days out of touch with everyone, never getting that close to the people she was with – being so alone, so far out in the wilderness. It was a very different experience for her, and I could see she was somewhat changed from it. Quieter, deeper, more mature.

I said, well, would you do it again? Then she got all excited and said there’s a 45-day trip she wants to take next summer.

Then she turned to me and said: “So what did you do this summer?! Where did you go?!”

And all I wanted to do was tell her of some marvelous trip I went on. Some adventure somewhere.

But I didn’t go anywhere this summer. I had the music camps I was doing, along with my regular teaching schedule. And then I had my show which kept me busy through the end of July.

All my students are now coming back from all these exotic places. EL just got back from Israel, Hawaii and Chicago. Even my ex spent 2 weeks on a tour through Canada.

I haven’t gone anywhere in about 6 months. I’ve been sitting here in my head, spinning, planning, fretting, plotting, etc. etc. etc. And I could use some serious mushin time.

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EJ has a house in the mountains and has invited me to come up next weekend. I can’t wait. I;m just gonna sit there and not do anything. Just wanna hike a little, breathe the clean air, and just Be.

 

Romance of the Ex-Pat

My friend, DE, refers to herself as an ex-pat.  She’s a United States citizen, has lived here for 50+ years, but several years ago sold everything and moved to Costa Rico.  Then about a year ago she moved to Buenos Aires and loves it there.   

When she first moved out of the country, I asked her why – did she have friends or relatives in Costa Rico?  No, not really.  A job there?  Opportunities?  No, not really.  She just wanted a change.  A big one.  And she said, there are a lot of Americans living there.

 

I don’t think I’ll ever fully know her “reasons” for moving out of the country, just like that.  I believe it’s more affordable there, but don’t know that for a fact.  But I do know a lot of people, in particular, a lot of women, do it.

 

The first time I went to Fresh Start, I had to wait a bit for someone, so I went into the library there and saw this magazine, “More”.  It appeared to be geared to the 40+ woman who suddenly finds herself on her own with a life full of choices and endless possibilities. 

There was an article on a place in Mexico, San Miguel.  It looked pretty amazing.  San Miguel is apparently a cultural mecca, and new home and/or refuge to thousands of women in transition or embarking on new lives.

 

I came home and called DE and told her I think I want to go to San Miguel.  I’m a performer, so maybe I could get a booking there (for a month!) or something.

 

She said “I know about San Miguel.  A lot of ex-pats go there.”

 

I don’t know if Frida Kahlo, the artist, is from there or not, but the city is having something huge going on that has to do with her.  That was one of my favorite movies, Frida. It was so beautiful.  What an amazingly rich, inner (& outer) life she had.

 

It’s a tempting, romantic thought, thinking about running away to a place like that.  20 years ago, I made “all the right decisions” which brought me to where and how I’m living now, decisions driven by the best place to raise my family.  The schools here are good, there are a lot of parks and things for families to do.  But for me, an adult woman empty-nester & now empty-marriager, I don’t know if it’s what I need or want at this point in my life.

 

 

DE said Buenos Aires is one of the most culturally rich places in the world.  Every night you can go out and there are amazing plays, performances everywhere, many of them for free, or $5.  When she lived in Costa Rico, she said there were music practice rooms in the library with grand pianos in them!  Free to the public!  In the library!!!!!

 

Excuse me, but that is so different from the cultural landscape here.  

That’s another thing, you know, I get tunnel vision sometimes and forget how big and diverse the world is.

 

Here’s some math for you who enjoy quadratic equations:

If H(husband)+C(children)+M(me) = FL (Family Life, which stands for all that comes with it, location, vacations, bills, decisions, joys & compromises).

 

If I take away H+C, it’s not (H + C) + M = FL, but rather a whole new equation: 

M = ML (My life)

 

That’s what I have to keep remembering.

 

The stress and anxiety I occasionally allow myself to fall into are the growing pains of abandoning the old equation and getting to the new.

 

How much of everything that I know and have been and have structured my life around so far, (my town, my work, my relationships), will change in this process?  I don’t know.

  

Bring it on.