What’s the best way to end a marriage?

Divorce feels lighter. It’s like something in the cosmic fabric just clicked and unhinged and it’s all going to be ok.

A good friend of mine is leaving her husband later this week. She’s been planning it for months and hasn’t told him yet. She said he’ll just wake up and she’ll be gone. She thinks it’s best that way. She bought a nonrefundable plane ticket and is moving thousands of miles away and never coming back.

She’s not leaving for a new boyfriend, or family, or a new job – none of the obvious reason. She just feels this is something she has to do and somewhere she has to be.

I was over her house this morning and she was pretty upset, the reality and nearness of the day finally getting to her. I said you know I really think you ought to tell him.

Her husband’s a sweetie. To look at them and their lives, you’d think they were the happiest couple. Gatsyby-esque. Actually, a few years ago I would’ve been even more shocked, but if these past few years have taught me anything, it’s that you never know what goes on behind the closed doors of other peoples’ lives.

My own divorce/separation is certainly one of the more gracefully drawn out ones. We’ve been working on the logistics of it for about a year, and now we’ll be roommates in our house for probably another year.

I’d rather do it the way we’re doing it. But frankly, maybe she’s on to something. Maybe that’s the cleanest. Cut. Run. Start over. I dunno. I just really hope she tells her husband.

 

House selling, music marketing and roommates

It’s been a tumultuous and emotional few weeks. We just got all the papers in and will probably be divorced by May 1.

We haven’t sold our house, even though we had dropped the price to the best value for the money, location, etc.

———————–

In 1997, when I was running my own record label, cassettes were selling for $9.95, and we released a children’s cassette for $7.95, thinking of it as a brilliant marketing move; people would be attracted to ours because it was $2.00 cheaper.

I don’t think we sold any more than we would’ve sold at $9.95, but every time someone bought one, we made $2.00 less.

——————

So I called my realtor today and said “Hey nobody’s even walking through our house anyway so let’s put it back up to $9.95 so that when they do come through, we’ll get that extra $2.00.”

He thought that was a pretty good idea, but proposed an even better one.

——————–

So we’re taking the house off the market for awhile. My future ex and I have been getting along fine. We eat the same foods and like a lot of the same movies, which actually has been a pretty good reason to stay married longer than we should’ve. But it’s ok. Most of the drama has now passed.

We’ll be good roommates for awhile.

 

Cinderella He’s Not Coming

Here’s an excerpt from a song I wrote that’s on my first CD, “Wolves at My Door”:

from “The Cinderella Suite” © 2000 amg1

Everyday is 9 to 5
The nights are short the days are long
Every day is so frustrating
Something in your life is wrong
You do your hair you do your make-up
Thinking this will change your life
Maybe someday you will wake up
Lucky girl – as someone’s wife

Cinderella – he’s not coming
Don’t wait for the handsome prince
Cinderella – he’s not coming
He won’t take you ‘way from this

Maybe he’ll be king of England
Live the perfect fantasy
Royal bliss is just illusion
You know that as well as me

Cinderella – he’s not coming
Don’t wait for the handsome prince
Cinderella – he’s not coming
He won’t take you ‘way from this

 

The things women do for men

Some of my friends are doing terrible.  And part of me just wants to save them, save the world, etc., but I know I have my hands full right now just saving myself.

SR called today, left a message.  I hadn’t spoken to her in about 6 months when I was in the midst of my divorce drama.  SR had already been divorced twice.  Now she had just moved across country to be with the love of her life who had been her high school sweetheart who was rich and they had incredible sex and she was going move in with him and eventually they would get married. 

On the phone message, she sounded upbeat, but when I called her back, she was clearly terrible.

SR is a smart, funny, educated, competent woman. She had left a good business behind, to move into his house.  She also had a house here that she was counting on the equity from, and now there was none. 

She went on about the situation she found herself in.  How could he do this/do that to her etc. etc.   Not a violent guy or anything.  Just confused and self-absorbed.     

I said “SR – you’ve gotta get outta there.  Take care of yourself.  Have some dignity.”  And she was like “But I want this lifestyle.  I want this house.”  I said “Well it’s not yours.”

If I ever get married again, I hope I remember to never to depend on someone else so heavily again.   It’s just not healthy.  And nobody can support that kind of weight.

And I hope SR’s ok.  I’m a little worried about her. 

 

Ladies don’t marry your fathers

My father has a lot of good qualities.  He’s a good person.  Intelligent. High integrity.  Artistic.

He also has a lot of qualities that don’t bode well for relationships.  He’s always pretty much been in his own little world, not super-involved with us kids.

Six years ago my father wrote his autobiography.  I was taking a course in stand-up comedy at the time, and one of my top jokes was “I just read my father’s autobiography.  He was a fascinating man.  Too bad he never had any children.”

My mother was always the social director of the family, but 5 years ago, she had a stroke  and lost her ability to speak.  It’s come back quite a bit, but my father is still the one who makes the calls.  Theoretically anyway.  He never initiates any phone calls to any one of us, unless someone’s going in the hospital or somebody died.    

My uncle died last week and when my father called to tell me and I said “Dad – do me a favor and just call sometime just to say hello.  I dread it when you call because it always means somebody died.” 

I relayed that conversation to my brother the other night and we were laughing about it and my brother said “I don’t think he’s going to change though.”

In my own marriage, I’ve always been the social one, the one who makes all the plans, reservations, phone calls, etc.  It’s led to a lot of resentment, carrying all those balls around for everybody else all the time.  I actually realized what I was doing a few years ago and I stopped being so accommodating, thinking others would take up the slack, but it didn’t work out that well.

When I first met my husband, I only saw the good qualities. But now I see my father and mother’s relationship very clearly. 

I’m not going to do this one again.

 

No pouty men.

The topic of the week among my friends and I, both single and unhappily married, seems to be men.

It’s funny how our requirements in men change as we get older.

When I was young, if a guy had a baby face, good hair and a cute butt, perfect! If he was a musician, well, ten extra bonus points for that.

As someone who is once again entering the singles world, I have recently singled out two immediate disqualifiers:

1. Men who pout and brood when they don’t get what they want.

2. Chronic inconsistency.

Good hair is still nice. And a cute butt wouldn’t hurt! And I’m nowheres near ready for another relationship. But I am forming new limits, boundaries and expectations.

 

 

A great guy and conflicting emotions

VE called last night to see if I wanted to do anything this weekend.

It’s hard. I’m feeling so conflicted. The short answer, yes. But the long answer – well, we made plans to get together next weekend.

He said something like “did you miss me?” or “were you thinking about me?”

The short answer – Yes. The long answer, I’m conflicted, and trying to stay on track.

Since the holiday, I’ve been very busy doing things with my future ex. We spent Thanksgiving together, and since he’s not working over the weekend we’ve been trying to get a lot done around the house, and then all day today holiday shopping.

I’ve been married most of my life, and have never been fully on my own, and I know the time to get that together is now. It’s like a gift to me, (in a painful sort of way), but no, really, I’m still young and have tremendous resources available to me, and as a human being, I need to become fully independent.

So along comes this really sweet, great guy, right?

Do you remember that movie, “An Unmarried Woman”, with Jill Clayburgh and Alan Bates? She gets out of an un-working marriage and is learning how to live independently, and along comes this major sweetie-pie, Alan Bates. They have this great relationship and chemistry, and then in the end, she leaves him, to be on her own, and I know we were all supposed to be shouting hurray you go girl! But I remember watching that movie and thinking “What!!! Why are you leaving Alan Bates!”

Now I think I know how she was feeling (although I really have to watch that movie again!). On so many levels, I crave to go right back into a comfortable relationship again. I want a nice man’s arms around me (VE!). I want to go on trips and have someone to walk around holding hands with. I want to jump into bed with someone, ok?

But first of all, I’ve been monogamous for my entire marriage – never even came close to having an affair. So I’m not about to start now. (Yes – we’re getting a divorce, but it won’t be official for another few months. I’m going to wait it out at least that long. No sex till I’m an ex).

Second of all, I know I’m at a vulnerable cross-road, and at what should be an unbelievably exciting new chapter in my life. I don’t know what I want yet, and there are so many choices to make, and roads to explore. Speaking of which, I’m still thinking about chucking everything here and going on the road.

That would be hard to do if I get all emotionally rooted again to a man. I have a monogamous nature, and as free-wheeling as I like to think of myself, I have a hard time being away from someone I’m committed to.

So I am going to see VE again next weekend, and I’m really looking forward to it. But in the meantime, I’m spending every waking minute of my free time working in the studio and working on my new business.

 

Soundtracks of our Lives and those songs that run through our heads – part 1

Songs that run through our heads. The soundtracks of our lives.

As a songwriter, I’m fortunate in that if no song is right at the time, I can make up my own. But the radio in my head is non-partisan. My own songs take up just a fraction of that air time.

For instance, for the past few days, I can’t get Ani Defranco‘s “I’m Not Angry Anymore” out of my head. It just keeps going around and around. Very recently, I’ve decided not to be angry anymore, and now all of a sudden it’s beginning to feel like a big dirt cloud has lifted and everything’s going to be ok.

So, in my new minus-the-anger state, my future ex and I are getting along much better. We walked arm-in-arm around the lake yesterday. I know what you’re thinkingJ but no, the marriage is over for sure. The upside though is, we are acting more like very good friends. We have pretty much grown up together.

About a year ago, I listened to a very powerful book on tape; Eckert Tolle’s “The Power of Now.” In “The Power of Now” Tolle talks about anger, and other negative emotions, as part of an entity separate from ourselves. He refers to it as “the pain body.”

He says when people get caught up in the swirl of the pain body, those negative emotions propagate and before you know it, you’re trapped in that pain body, and you identify with it. Even though you think it’s “you”, it’s not. It’s a separate, very destructive entity to it’s host and others.

This past year I’ve found it pretty easy to get sucked up into that pain body. Effortless almost!

But it truly hasn’t been doing me or anyone else any good. So, enough now.

 

Every little Self-Deception

Here’s a poem I wrote 7 years ago, before divorce was even on the radar.   

Around the same time I wrote that poem, I released my first solo CD, which was truly a bold declaration of independence for me – all about breaking away, life changes.  Although many changes were obviously going on in my psyche, from all outward appearances, things looked pretty much the same.

It’s funny, my voice teacher always says our spirits know before the rest of us.  She’s so right about that one.  If any of you write poetry, especially stream-of-consciousness – Seriously check out your work! 

Every Little Self-Deception           ©amg1 9/2000

 

Every little self deception

Every little sacrifice

Rolled up in a big package

Made me nice

 

But now as I try to reclaim them

One by one

It’s too painful

Maybe we can’t get through this after all

 

Every little “ok honey”

Every little swallowed cry

Every little “no time for dinner –

see you later – bye”

 

And now I try to tell you

It’s not ok and it never was

I lied to you then

I lied to myself

Maybe we can’t get through this after all

 

If I were honest before

We wouldn’t’ve been in this mess

But we wouldn’t’ve lasted this long either

Is my guess

 

I bend

So it doesn’t hurt as much

And I try not to expect you

To do the things you just don’t do

More and more I expect a lot less of you

 

And it feels so empty

Like fantasy filled me before

But now I know I need

A whole lot more

 

It’s not ok

It never was

I lied to you and I

lied to myself

And maybe we won’t get through this

No I don’t think we can get through this after all

 

 

Redefining Boundaries & Limits – what was ok then and what isn’t ok now

My future ex was talking to a woman friend the other day and she was telling him she wishes she could go out at night more – she loves going to clubs and shows, but her husband is such a homebody and likes having her home at night, so she makes sure she’s home every evening to spend it with him.

My future ex asked her – “Well, what do you do, at home with him?  She replied he usually sits on the couch and watches TV and falls asleep within an hour.”

He was surprised by that.  I was surprised he was surprised.  I said “I’ve done that for you for years.  That’s just something women do.”

There are so many little self-sacrificial things that so many women do that men don’t even notice.

No more of that now.

——————-

I almost had a mentor.  I’d gone through all the training at Fresh Start to be eligible for one. 

They assigned me to a woman who took almost 2 weeks to call from the time they gave her my information.  They said she was travelling, and then sick.  Ok.

She finally called early last week and left a message saying: “Here’s my cell phone and work phone.  It would be best to call me at home tonight.”

She didn’t leave her home phone number.  I called her on her cell and left a message.  The next day I called her on her work phone and left a message.  3 days after that, I still hadn’t heard back from her.

I just called Fresh Start and cancelled our future relationship.  She sounded nice and in the past I might’ve kept trying and waiting.  But I’m learning some things are not acceptable, and they show their cards early.  It’s better to call it now than 30 years in.