I’m Starting Over

MJ was over tonight and cracking up about my love life. I’m not “dating”, but I seem to be going out quite a bit for the non-dater that I am. I keep thinking of that Joni Mitchell song “Cactus Tree” about all the men whom she loved and they loved her but she just flitted from one to the next:

“She will love them when she sees them

They will lose her if they follow

And she only means to please them

And her heart is full and hollow

Like a cactus tree

And she’s so busy being free”

I love that song, and it’s been running through my mind lately. But there are several key differences. One, the song is a bit melancholy and I’m not feeling melancholy about any of this. I’m having a nice time, just enjoying the company and being taken out to dinner.

And two, the song sounds to me like some lovin’ was exchanged between Joni & her subject matter. And in my life at this time, no one is getting any loving. Myself included. It’s ok.

Guess who’s taking me out to dinner on Sunday? The pastor of a church I sang at last weekend. He’s a great guy. Sweet, funny, and his favorite song on my CD is “Buy the Bitch a Cadillac”, although he doesn’t think I should sing it in his church.

When he called to ask me out I told him I’d love to have dinner, but, just so he knows,  I’m not “dating.” He was fine. We’re still going to go out and it’ll be fun. And then I’ll go back home and watch a movie or something with my ex.

When we were first getting ready to divorce and sell our house, we spend a few solid weeks filling and piling up boxes of all our earthly possessions labeled “mine” and “his”, knowing we would soon be on our way to our new, individual homes. We divided up all our housewares and 30-years accumulation of stuff into boxes so we would each be sufficiently furnished, as we moved into our new, individual lives.

That was almost a year ago. We took our house off the market quite a while ago, and my needs and desires have since changed. I don’t want anything from my old life anymore. I only want what need for my work, and a few souvenirs (photo albums, etc.).

As part of my new Organization plan (see previous post), I’ve made it a goal to go through 10 boxes a week and perform triage: throw away, give away, or e-bay. So far I’ve gone through 7 boxes and out of that, what I’ve decided I still need to keep fills less than half a box.

I’ve never had a weight problem, but I’ve heard that when people do, and then they lose a lot of weight, it can be a painful process, because every pound that comes off has all this emotional baggage tied into it, so they need to go through all kinds of things in the process of taking that weight off.

Well, I think I can relate. Everything you throw away, you know, you feel it. 3 boxes a day is my limit – that’s all I can handle.

Yesterday I learned a new word yesterday from my friend, EL’s new blog .

“Mushin (pronounced moo-shin), or ‘no mind.’ It is a term that describes ”a state of pure consciousness unburdened by thought.”

EL learned the word in karate camp and talks about it in an interesting post.

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My mind’s been spinning so much lately with all my “todo lists” and “need to get done now” lists, I keep trying to go into “mushin” but I haven’t been able to turn the brain off lately.

Yesterday I was in one of my “enough is enough” modes and I think I actually made some organizational progress, that I’ll share with you.

My new method is a personalized system derived from one of my favorite books, “Getting Things Done”, and just looking at it has given me some sense of peace, so I’ll share it with you.

I have about nine projects in the forefront of my consciousness, and the disorganized stickee notes are beginning to pile up again, everywhere.

What I did was, I sorted everything according by those 9 projects, into their own distinct, little pile on the futon in my office, with a todo list on top of each one, and a “NEXT” item in red at the top of each of those todo lists. So as I get to each one, I’ll just cross off the “next”, and move on to the “next”, as I get to it, in my own sweet little time.

And then, as phone calls and brilliant ideas filter in here throughout the day, I’ll just place them in their own sweet little pile and jot a note on the cover sheet that it’s there, note it’s priority, and I’ll get to it when I get to it. Ahhhh!

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My students have been returning from their summer vacations. Yesterday, an outgoing, popular teenager returned to me after a 30 day canoeing trip in the wilds of Canada. She said it was very strange – being 30 days out of touch with everyone, never getting that close to the people she was with – being so alone, so far out in the wilderness. It was a very different experience for her, and I could see she was somewhat changed from it. Quieter, deeper, more mature.

I said, well, would you do it again? Then she got all excited and said there’s a 45-day trip she wants to take next summer.

Then she turned to me and said: “So what did you do this summer?! Where did you go?!”

And all I wanted to do was tell her of some marvelous trip I went on. Some adventure somewhere.

But I didn’t go anywhere this summer. I had the music camps I was doing, along with my regular teaching schedule. And then I had my show which kept me busy through the end of July.

All my students are now coming back from all these exotic places. EL just got back from Israel, Hawaii and Chicago. Even my ex spent 2 weeks on a tour through Canada.

I haven’t gone anywhere in about 6 months. I’ve been sitting here in my head, spinning, planning, fretting, plotting, etc. etc. etc. And I could use some serious mushin time.

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EJ has a house in the mountains and has invited me to come up next weekend. I can’t wait. I;m just gonna sit there and not do anything. Just wanna hike a little, breathe the clean air, and just Be.

Yesterday I had a photoshoot. The photographer is also a musician. He plays guitar. He said to me “I love the way you play the piano. Do you play guitar too?”

I said, you know, I play a little, and I’ve been tempted to learn because I love it and I’m around so many people that play the guitar it would be nice to be able to pick it up and play one myself, but there’s only so much practice time available in the day, so I choose to work at getting better and better at what I already do.

He said “I’m glad to hear you say that. That makes a lot of sense – to focus like that!”

But then I added, “You know, I’m always in these raffles and contests and things where the prize is a beautiful guitar, and one of these days I’m going to win one, and then I’m going to learn to play.

Then he generously offered, “I have 3 great guitars, and they’re not getting a lot of use. I’d be very happy to lend you one of mine.”

I said to him (“kidding” of course), “that wouldn’t work, because then I wouldn’t have any excuses, and then I’d have to learn to play it!”

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I thought I was doing awesome in my pragmatic resolve of temporary abstinence, and I am, in my actions. But emotionally, sometimes it’s rough.

I’ve been out with a couple of men (as friends), and just the slightest sweet touch, or the right kind of hug or something – I just want to melt into them and go away on a vacation with them or something.

I’m thinking Martha’s Vineyard – holding hands and walking through the cute shops. We would stay in a romantic little bed and breakfast and wake up with the ocean air coming in through the open window.

Even the photographer yesterday. A good looking guy. Kept coming over to adjust my arm. Or my leg. Or move some hair off my eyes. Very gently and sweetly. It felt like ice melting.

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So I’m living in this house with my ex and telling myself: “This is good. This is ok.” That it’s stabilizing for now. That it will be good to be here till I have all my tools ready to move out on my own: marketing tools , a new CD, technology of my own, a buncha things.

It’s true I’ve chipping away at making things happen. But now I’m wondering if some of my “needs” haven’t  also become excuses for me, to not move through the necessary changes I need to move through, and the sooner the better.

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Yesterday evening a relative whom I don’t know that well called to ask a favor. She was scared and freaked out and needed a ride to the hospital this week for some tests. She’s not much older than I am, and things are not looking good for her.

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There’s so much I want. I want a new life. I want a man.

I’ve got to to get my projects done and my life in (relative) order, NOW.  No excuses or distractions.

Gotta Bust outta this joint.

I’ve been video editing all day with my ex.

I had a two-week run last month at a theater downtown of an original show that I wrote, and my ex was in videotaping it for me.

Usually I’ll do an entire show from behind the piano, but this time it was a full theatrical production so I was doing some stand-up, and I moved around quite a bit on-stage between different keyboard & prop stations.

Watching the video was pretty enlightening. During the parts where I was performing my songs, I liked what I saw. But in the “in-between-the-songs-parts” when I was moving from one station to the next, it was like a whole different person. My posture changed – it was not the same person who had been doing the singing. It was more shuffly-like, self-conscious, almost apologetic. As I was watching, I kept thinking “Who are those 2 people!” But of course, both of them were me.

The next day, the day after the videoshoot show day, the producer said to me “That was great – you’ve made a lot of changes since yesterday! You must’ve watched the video!”

But no, at that time, I hadn’t seen the video yet. (Didn’t watch it till 2 days ago actually!)

I don’t know why the show had changed so dramatically from one day to the next. Whether it was self-consciousness on the video day because my ex was there filming, or was it because I was aware in general that a video was being shot so I wasn’t fully “myself”, or, am I always like that!?

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Last night I had a long talk with JM. We talked a bit about what I’m going to do when my ex and I finally sell this house and truly move on. I told her about my plans to go on the road.

She said “So playing music is going to be ‘it’ for you , then? This is what’s in your blood and this is what you’re going to do?”

I said I believe so. But it’s not that I’m “closing the door” on anything else – I intend to keep my mind and my options open, to see where I best find my way.

Because really, it really doesn’t matter what I “do”. I just want to be, all the time, that confident person that I liked in the video. The one on stage doing the singing. Not the other, “in-between” one.

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btw – the video came out great. We edited out all the parts I didn’t like.

We attract what we are. That’s why people can make such vast generalizations about others with such surety. Because if that’s who we are, that’s what we see everywhere.

Even our animals. For 18 years, my ex and I had two cats. One was just like him – coloring, disposition, even physical ailments, and the other was just like me. With no obvious intention on our part. We got them at a shelter who called us when they had two kittens in and we went and picked them up. Who would’ve known they were our twins!?

It seems all my friends lately, everyone around me has running away in their hearts. Nobody’s actually done it yet except AC, who left everything and ran away to Hawaii and was gone for a few months.

But she’s been back for two months now, cleaning up details. She’s back at her house, seeing a lot of friends, floating around in her pool and trying to decide how and what to do next.

Her husband, of course, has been devastated and is thrilled she’s back and has been trying to talk her into staying, but she says she’s going to leave again, very soon, as soon as she can clean up some of the details she left too abruptly. I believe her.

I’ve been seeing her a lot. I’m going over there later today actually to spend some time with her and her dog in the pool. Her dog is getting to be a better and better swimmer and loves being pushed around on the raft.

When you take a dog off the mainland, they have to be under some kind of house-quarantine for quite awhile. I think her dog will have flight clearance in September.

We’re looking into new cell phones, as we move off the “family plan”. We both love the Apple I-Phone, but AT&T is the only company carrying it, and AT&T reception isn’t good in a lot of areas out here. There also may be less pricey plans, so we’re going to shop.

I’m working on my own music website. My ex and I have shared one forever, but now I need to have my own, so that’s been pretty full time, pulling that all together.

I did a show last week, it went great and we videotaped it, so we’re both in the process of video editing to get my press kit where it needs to be, in preparation my newly solo career.

I’ve been feeling good about all my plans – very upbeat & positive, like I’m doing everything right. A big part of that plan has been to continue building up my teaching practice for the next 6 months to a year, as long as we’re in this house & have those bills, and then sell everything and go on the road.

Today at the studio I had a new student. He had unbelievably bad gas. He’s full grown (6 feet tall) and slightly retarded – so you can’t say anything. I thought I was going to throw up.

I said something to the owner, prefaced by “we need to talk”, and she just kind of laughed – she knew exactly what I was talking about. Apparently this student had been coming to the studio for 6 years and has gone through a number of teachers and everybody knew about this little issue, except me.

So, back to my upbeat and positive attitude. Who said that “Life happens when you’re busy making other plans?” Was it John Lennon?

I may not last as long as a teacher as I put myself down for in my perfect planning. I want to get out of here.

My little web store has been limping along. It’s had a few sales, but I’m not ready to retire on it yet unless it’s in one of those third world countries you hear about where people make $1 a year.

I called a search engine optimization place today that Yahoo had recommended, prepared to bite the bullet and pay for some internet marketing. The salesperson took a look at my my site and didn’t think it was something their company could help me with, and then he said “Wait, let me try something”, and then he was like “Holy Cow – how’d you get such a high search engine rank! I can’t even get a rank like that!”

Then he asked me if I’d been doing link work, because all these links were pointing to my store, which was obviously helping my search engine ranking.

Then he discovered that most of the links were coming from my blog!. He said “Don’t ever shut down your blog!”

Then I felt really guilty, I said, “well I haven’t been blogging for awhile.”

He repeated: “don’t ever shut down your blog.”

So, it’s back to my blog. It’s ok. I’ve been missing it anyway and looking forward to getting back.

I’m not so sure about my store though. He gave me some suggestions to try (better descriptions & keywords), which I will. But if things don’t pick up by the end of this year, I might just shut it down.