Divorce feels lighter. It’s like something in the cosmic fabric just clicked and unhinged and it’s all going to be ok.
A good friend of mine is leaving her husband later this week. She’s been planning it for months and hasn’t told him yet. She said he’ll just wake up and she’ll be gone. She thinks it’s best that way. She bought a nonrefundable plane ticket and is moving thousands of miles away and never coming back.
She’s not leaving for a new boyfriend, or family, or a new job – none of the obvious reason. She just feels this is something she has to do and somewhere she has to be.
I was over her house this morning and she was pretty upset, the reality and nearness of the day finally getting to her. I said you know I really think you ought to tell him.
Her husband’s a sweetie. To look at them and their lives, you’d think they were the happiest couple. Gatsyby-esque. Actually, a few years ago I would’ve been even more shocked, but if these past few years have taught me anything, it’s that you never know what goes on behind the closed doors of other peoples’ lives.
My own divorce/separation is certainly one of the more gracefully drawn out ones. We’ve been working on the logistics of it for about a year, and now we’ll be roommates in our house for probably another year.
I’d rather do it the way we’re doing it. But frankly, maybe she’s on to something. Maybe that’s the cleanest. Cut. Run. Start over. I dunno. I just really hope she tells her husband.
April 30, 2008 at 10:06 am
If someone cares about the person they’ve spent so many years with, how can they just take off? Sounds dramatic, but also like a lame attempt at avoidance. Is running away to start a new life somewhere else so much easier than just talking to a partner? Drama is just too stressful.
(Nice to have found your blog!)
April 30, 2008 at 10:21 am
Rosalind,
I know. I feel the same way. It really bothers me too.
May 1, 2008 at 9:56 am
You’ve inspired me to start my own blog. Gotta work on getting a picture up.
May 1, 2008 at 8:48 pm
Thanks Rosalind. It’s been great for me. Helps me to look back and see the big picture, as opposed to those days when i get into a strange place and think I’m going to feel like that forever.
August 30, 2008 at 11:58 am
I just happen upon this blog and it made me realize that many women are now starting a new chapter of their lives, as I am. I have recently physically left my husband only 10 days ago; although I believe we left the marriage years ago. It quite devestating to realize that we failed each other, our vows, and this is the legacy for our children. It is definite fork in the road and unfortunatly the road “most” travelled. It seems trite to say “Oh make the best of it” yet that’s really all one can do. At this juncture I’m a bag of mixed emotions, just willing to do my part on the soul work and believing that even in this good will come.
December 17, 2008 at 4:04 am
I too stumbled upon this blog. Looking for answers on the best way to end a marriage. Do I ask for a separation or a divorce is my problem. I told him a separation. For months I asked him to go to counseling and he said no but now that I’ve told him I want a separation and I’ve become numb he wants to do it. Should I or should I move on because it seems like his last attempt to grasp at straws. This from a man who has told me to go kill myself and get it over with, screamed and cursed at me in front of my 3 little boys and told my oldest son w/autism the I’m a heartless B***ch for no reason at all. I wish someone could just give me the right answer but I know that won’t happen. I hope whomever comes upon this blog finds strength and comfort in knowing they aren’t alone as I have felt.
January 18, 2012 at 1:03 am
I am still with my husband of 18 years. My marriage has been in shambles for the last 10 but we have done so many different things to try and change it. We moved, went to counciling, and yet his answer to everything was to just get me pregnant again so that I would not be rebelious for at least a year or so. I now watch my husband get angry with my kids over the smallest things and he calls all of us Stupid or idiots very frequently. My mother left my father when I was only 6 and I never had her in my life, because of this I refuse to leave what is a loveless marriage. Is there a way to get them away from him in this economy and is it what is best for the kids. What do I do? I don’t know…But I do know that there is a fine line between selfishness and selflessness when it comes to children. I need to figure out how to make my kids happy without keeping this blackness in my heart.
December 28, 2008 at 2:41 am
Janice –
I know the answer to that one, and so do you. Go with your heart, and not with your fear, or those fleeting tender moments that come between the pain. I wish I would’ve.
June 4, 2009 at 5:23 am
men never know how to show there emotion i led my wife on to think i was adopted for almost a year. but in the begening i just wanted her to feal sorry for me so i could get laid. it worked but now that we had a daughter she wanted to get close to my family and i had to tell the truth i have screamed at her and told her to go suck some more dick that she was nothing but a whore and the bad thing is i really believe she used to @%$% everything but now i have tried to get passed that but every time we fight thats what i throw at her cause it hurts her. well we have been on a break for two weeks and i cant stand it i miss her so much but at the same time i still think she is a slut. but i remember how highly i held her before this opinion and im not saying hold on to the past but from a man that needed that one more chance and did not get it why not take a chance for some one again that you once couldnt stand being away from for five min i think you shoul try the counsling and tell him you love him and yoursorry
August 24, 2010 at 10:12 am
I so love google and love the blogged advice its like phoning a friend
March 23, 2012 at 2:04 pm
I think Janice says it best ‘go with your heart’. I am an alternative health practitioner and have had a fantastic life of healing people and discovering that I really am worth something. I withstood the bullying of the medical system and rose above it, without confrontation or negativity. I treated amazing people with tales that can only be found in books, I have even met and treated natural healers – and I can recognise them now by their ‘feel’. My now grown up kids are wonderful, my family and hers are not a poor fit, we are creative and frugal, hard working and good to each other. So why am I in this blog – because I have tried and tried to love my wife enough, but I just do not feel right with ‘us’. I am not angry with her, nor has she done anything wrong. I just know I need to move on, to find someone else – myself.
So in my heart I think if you feel leaving quietly is right, then do so. If you feel leaving gradually is correct then do that. Just go with love. Do as you would have done unto you; behave in a manner that you are going to be OK living with for the rest of your life. It will always give you both extra strength, and a unique gift. You will part friends, and friends with your friends. You may even be able to come back one day and enjoy a uniquely wonderful new brother or sister. You will forever enjoy a peace that many have never experienced.
Thank you for your blog. It gave me a chance to crystalise my thoughts a bit.
July 19, 2012 at 11:08 pm
I’ve been married almost 8 years now. Did not talk about having kids before we got married. Thought there would be no problem he had 3 kids from prior marriage. When I expressed to him I wanted a child he said he had a vasectomy and didn’t want kids. Not telling me before marriage he had a vasectomy is the same as lying to me. A year ago he kind of accept and we went to a specialist, there we would be treated both for a baby. After me spending on doctor for a year. Right the day before starting the treatment he said no, because he has problems with his kids. I felt horrible, and emotionally affected. He has a different issue every time we talk about having a baby. I feel miserable and resent him very much. I do love him, but he is being selfish and to a point I think he is cruel. I feel like leaving. Can anyone give advice. i know aafter all is my decision. Thank you God Bless you…