I’m Starting Over

It’s very strange being an (almost) single woman now in social settings.  When you’re married, you walk around in this kind of  “married-woman cage” (at least I did).  It’s like you have some kind of a force field around you, a barrier from a lot of the outside world.

Everything about you says to the world “I’m married. I’m taken”.  It’s more than the ring.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m definitely losing my protective coating, and it’s very weird.

I was in two different social situations yesterday.  The first was at a party at the home of the owner of a studio that I work, for the teachers and their families.  There were a lot of happy, married people there with their spouses, and their kids were playing in the pool.  I’m friends with most of the people, I spent time talking with everyone, but it felt “different”, because not too long ago, my husband would’ve been at that party with me.

We probably would’ve plopped ourselves down in one place as a “married couple”, maybe talked to another couple or two for most of the evening, and then one of the other coupled women might’ve said something like “we have to get together!” and then maybe soon after that we’d do a couples date or something.

And even if my husband weren’t there, everyone would ask about him – at least half the conversation might be about him - and then I would have to get home by a certain time, because he’d be coming home soon, or calling soon, or something soon.

But this time, it felt different.  Now I was that “free wheel”, that “single woman” that I’ve seen at other parties, floating around, unattached, with no one to share a chaise lounge with.

I used to be (used to be!  as of, what, a day ago! an hour ago?!!) one of those smug married women who would look at all the singles and think “Oh!  I’m so glad I’m not one of them!  Those poor dears!  I’ll never have to do that again!  Phew!”

Well, I ended up talking to everybody, having a wonderful time, and spent the greater part of the evening talking to another couple of teachers who are also single.  One of them, MJ, what a sweetheart!  She had just bought herself a cute town home in the same complex I’ve been lusting after and I told her we might be neighbors and she said “well you have to come over and see my new place and we’ll go to the design center together and pick out all the options you want!”  We exchanged numbers and talked about getting together soon for a drink or something.  How cool!

Oh, and the fun part, there was another teacher in our little singles-in-chaise-lounges group, who was my son’s age (21).  And we were talking, person-to-person, like human beings!  Whereas had I been there with my husband, the conversation might’ve been more aged and experienced.  Perhaps more parental, like “So what are you studying in school?  Yes yes yes.  That is a good field.  Let us share our adult wisdom with you.”  

But instead it was like, friend-to-friend!  He asked for my phone number.  I felt like Demi Moore:)  It was so different.

After I left there I went out to a club where a friend of mine and ex-piano student, RD, was playing with his band and I told him I would come out and sit in for a few songs.  They played till 10, and as I was helping them pack up, RD invited me back to his house where the band and a few friends were all going back to have some drinks and hang out.

I looked around at the band and most of his friends and I’m thinking – these are all guys, and they’re partially drunk – that’s sounds like a stupid idea, doesn’t it?

And then I’m thinking “What am I, crazy!  This is RD!  I’ve known him for years!  He’s a sweetheart!  A cupcake!  And I know these other guys too!  What am I possibly thinking!”

So with some habitual trepidation, I told RD I would come over for a little bit.  He really wanted me to come over because he wanted to show me his piano.  No, really!  For real!  I’ve been his teacher for years and he really did want to show it off.

We had the best time.  There ended up being a bunch of people there and we played music all night; took turns sharing some of our favorites and originals, and then sang Beatles songs for hours.  I didn’t get home till close to 2:00.  It was so much fun.

Had this been New York City and or in a place with a fire escape, maybe this would’ve been one of those cool parties you always see the singles out on the fire escape on, having fun and being young and alive.

I want to backtrack a little, tell you about RD’s house, because it was so wild to me.  I haven’t been in that many “single-guy’s” homes.  In fact, looking back on most of the parties, almost all of the homes I’ve been to parties at, throughout my 30 years of marriage, have been to other married peoples’ homes, which are usually somewhat decorated, and the parties have been carefully coordinated and put together by the wives.

Here’s the contrast.  When I went to the afternoon party for the teachers, it was at YS’s house, which I had never been to, and she gave me “the tour”.  She has a beautiful, new, big house, and the master bedroom looked almost, “royal”.  Huge bed, flowing drapes, satiny bedspread.

OK.  Fast forward to RD’s house.  I had never been there either, and he wanted to give me “the tour.”  We were the first ones to arrive at his house, and he disappeared into the next room and he was calling to me from the next room, saying “And this is the master bedroom” and I’m thinking “Whoah!  Wait a minute!  What is this!”.  So I tentatively walked towards the master bedroom, keys in hand.

It was the most amazing studio.  Not a bed in sight!  I looked at the layout of the room and all the equipment – full studio, drum set, keyboards – and thought – this is cool!  I’m going to have me one of these!”  My studio will probably end up in the “master bedroom” too, as that’s usually the biggest space in the house that you can close the door too.

Let me talk about RD’s decorating.  He did have a beautiful piano.  Everything else could’ve come right off the floor of “Pic-’n’-Save”, except for his huge, flat screen TV, and the green leather triple barcalounger directly in front.  And get this, the middle seat of the barcalounger folds down and becomes a drink and snack holder.  Wow!

In the kitchen, there are two pieces of furniture.  The table and chairs set, which appeared to be purchased with all the care of someone saying “I need a table and chairs. Here are the first ones I see.”   And right next to it, with no regard to room balance or Feng Shui, was a giant Foosball table.

In the kitchen, his entire pantry was dedicated to liquor.  He opened it up and said “What would you like to drink”, and I’m like “what!!!”  Married women don’t have that kind of cabinet space to devote to champagne and tequila.

There ended up being a bunch of us there, a really nice group.  Had it been my house, I would’ve been so hostess-y – “What can I get for you!  What can I put out to serve!  Maybe I can bake something!  (Ok, that one’s a stretch).”

Well, anyway, let me tell you what RD served.

He had these nacho chips that looked like they were picked out with the same care and eye for quality as the kitchen furniture.  He poured them out of a bag and onto a plate.  Then he pulled a bag of Kraft shredded cheese out of the refrigerator and dumped it on top of the chips, stuck it in the microwave for a minute and said “Does anyone want nachos?”

I had a bunch of them.  They were pretty good.      

 ©1/2001 amg1

Remember that game we used to play

Around the house  Everyday

Tiptoe through the eggshells

Very very carefully

Tiptoe through the eggshells with me 

Don’t trip the wire

Or it’ll explode in your face

Ah childhood memories

Of a mythical place 

Well Humpty Dumpty has risen from the pieces

And there’s enough material here for your

Whole damn thesis 

Out of the ashes

I’ve risen out of the ashes so many times

I’ve got a tattoo on my heel

Maybe that’s why I moved to Phoenix  

And I’m not trying to say I’m a bulldozer

‘Cause I don’t feel like one most of the time

But I got through then and I’ll get through this

So I guess that qualifies me 

Just when I thought all the bombs had dropped

You lay this one on me

And life becomes surreal

Look I’m floating In a sea of unreality  

But this is it baby

That’s the joke

Life is a Springer show

And all those clowns are your cousins

We’re not far removed from the freak show

Not far removed from the freak show anymore  

Well out of the ashes comes the Phoenix

Maybe that’s why I moved to Phoenix  

I can’t hold my nose in the air anymore

Might get clipped by a bird passing by

And I need all my body parts

To gather my strength

And rise from the ashes

Once again

Last night at the “Fresh Start” mentoring meeting we did goal mapping, where we work with a goal and break it down into a number of action steps leading up to it.  Goal mapping is not new to me. Being self-employed I’ve done quite a bit of it, but a couple of concepts did stand out.

The first was, we broke each goal down into 2 major parts, and then each of those two parts had their own series of action steps.  It did seem to make the larger goals not quite so overwhelming.

Another thing they introduced us to was the acronym: S.M.A.R.T., which stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, Time specific.

EL, DK & I do goal setting together.  We meet every few weeks and give each other assignments and then hold each other accountable.  It’s a pretty wonderful group and we’ve all made a lot of progress because of it.

One thing we’ve talked about a lot is “The Secret” and the law of attraction.  It’s everywhere these days.  Every thing you pick up has something about someone famous or who just came into a lot of money and they’re saying “Yes!  I just visualized it! And now here it is!”

So of course we believed we could/should be doing this too.  If not, we’d be fools.  I remember the first day we got into this, it was awhile back and we had all just seen “The Secret”, and EL was like “I’m going to make $150,000 by next month!!! And I was like, EL, how are you going to do that?  Right now you’re at 0?  And she was like “the law of attraction!  I’m putting it out there!”

So of course we all got into it.  I don’t remember what my particular goals were that day, but I’m sure they were pretty bold – maybe something like “I’ll be on Broadway next week!!!”  I don’t remember.

And here’s the thing – I believe it could happen, but perhaps not in that time frame, or with the work I’m willing or not willing to do to make it happen….. and to just “order from the catalog of the Universe” (“The Secret”) without consciously, conscientiously moving towards it seems a little pie-in-the-sky”, don’t you think? And to give yourself such tiny little time spans – that’s setting yourself up for failure.

For the next mentoring meeting at Fresh Start, we all have to bring in a goal of our own.  One of my goals is to start a small business.  A few days ago (prior to “S.M.A.R.T.”) I had begun thinking about my goal, and I had put down a realistic, but positive-thinking amount that I’d be earning in 6 months, based on my expectations of a start-up business and how much work I was willing to put into it.

Then my “Secret-influenced” pencil took over and I thought “No!  Why limit myself to that!  I’m going to put it out there that I’ll be making twice that much!  No! 3 times that much!  I will build it and they will come!”

Anyway, I’ve just revisited that goal and I’ve decided to switch back to the original figure.  It’s still “The Secret”.  I’ll visualize my business happening, and it will. It will grow and be successful.  Right now, all that is attainable.

So anyway, EL & DK came out of their $500 Kiyosaki weekend ready to rock.

Their first step was they were going to wholesale a house. I was feeling a little envious and left out that I hadn’t joined them in this big adventure that would launch them towards unlimited wealth, but as I’ve been saying, I have so much on my plate right now, there’s only so much I can take on.

After the seminar, EL had told me the first thing they were going to do was learn to wholesale a house. Her & DK had several preparatory meetings together, and this week they had an appointment with a realtor Tuesday morning to start the process. They invited me to come along, but (see above)…

Anyway, I spoke to EL last night and I said “How did it go with the realtor on Tuesday?” And she said “She stood us up!” So her and DK had a nice lunch and just hung out and they will not consider using that realtor again. Also, EL has decided she’s not going to work so hard on wholesaling a house. Things don’t appear to be moving that way naturally, without a tremendous amount of effort, and there are so many other things going on right now.

Just this week, EL is now milli-hairs away from having her first book published. I’m so excited for her. I know it’s going to happen.

I said to her, “You know, sometimes when I work really hard in one direction – put out a lot of effort, another direction completely opens up for me from left field. So if you’re not married to any one direction and you just keep moving, things seem to open up in unexpected ways.”

EL said “I know! That’s what DK & I were just talking about!” She said we have to “be like water. Flow with it where the current is flowing.”

I love that. “Be like water.”

I have a Northern Exposure Dvd here that I’ve been watching.  It’s a great show from the early 90s that I didn’t watch then, but am thoroughly enjoying now.

“Northern Exposure” takes place in the small town of Cicely, Alaska, where Dr. Joel Fleischman, a new medical school graduate from New York City (a young Jewish doctor!) finds himself “stuck” in this little, what he perceives as  a “hick, backwards” little town in Alaska, because Alaska paid his medical tuition, and now he has to practice there for four years.

There’s an amazingly diverse cast of original characters, including a large Native American population who live, work and share their lives with the white people in this small town, although it’s clear they still have their own customs, rituals, and different ways of being in the world then the white population.

The episode I saw last night was called “Thanksgiving”.  In this show, the white people were all happy about the holiday, and preparing for it in the traditional ways, but wherever they went, the Indians would throw tomatoes at them.  It was a good thing.  They were all friends and the white people were delighted to be hit by tomatoes by their Indian friends.  Everyone, except for Dr. Joel Fleischman, who was new to the area and appalled at this custom.

He asked an Indian friend why they threw tomatoes at the white people, and his friend said, “because there is still a lot of anger.”  Then Dr. Fleischman asked, “well if there is so much anger, then why are you our friends now?  Why do we get along, sit down to eat together, etc.?”

And the answer was something like (for all you Northern Exposure fans, forgive me for the upcoming misquote – it was late!)  “because the white men brought ____ and ____ and pencillin.”  Basically, a lot of good things. There was a lot of horrible, and a lot of good.

Which brings me ‘round to the subject of divorceJ

Divorce is not a pleasant or fun thing (understatement alert!!!!), and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.  However, I’m seeing a lot of good right now.

I’m learning, for the first time, how to take care of myself financially, as well as many things that I never “had” to learn. (seems almost kind of scary now, to have been so dependent) I’m moving in the world more independently than I ever have before.  And a major side benefit, as a singer, my voice is opening up big time!  It’s all related.

When I first started going through this, friends would say to me, “You may not be able to see it now, but you’re going to find reserves of strength in yourself you didn’t even know you had, and you’re going to come out of this a much stronger person.”

I believe they’re right.

Life Goes On

                © amg1 9/07

People my age say things like “We’re gettin’ old baby”

People my age say things like “Well, I’m an old lady”

I say they’re crazy

Crazy crazy crazy

Sitting around plannin’ retirement

Just ‘cause their boobs don’t stand up straight

Every time I sit in the dentist’s chair

I wish I would’ve flossed more

And I wish I’d bought that beach house then

‘Cause now everything costs more

And when I learned about interest accrual

Well I wish I’d done that too

Getting older

Me oh my

Life goes on

And so do I

Not gonna let another day pass by

No regrets

Gotta fly

Getting older

That’s ok

I’m still young enough to play

And that’s all I care about today

Getting smarter

Day by day

Ain’t no coulda shoulda’s

Gonna stand in my way

No regrets just steps ahead

Each day

My friend, DE, refers to herself as an ex-pat.  She’s a United States citizen, has lived here for 50+ years, but several years ago sold everything and moved to Costa Rico.  Then about a year ago she moved to Buenos Aires and loves it there.   

When she first moved out of the country, I asked her why – did she have friends or relatives in Costa Rico?  No, not really.  A job there?  Opportunities?  No, not really.  She just wanted a change.  A big one.  And she said, there are a lot of Americans living there.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully know her “reasons” for moving out of the country, just like that.  I believe it’s more affordable there, but don’t know that for a fact.  But I do know a lot of people, in particular, a lot of women, do it.

The first time I went to Fresh Start, I had to wait a bit for someone, so I went into the library there and saw this magazine, “More”.  It appeared to be geared to the 40+ woman who suddenly finds herself on her own with a life full of choices and endless possibilities. 

There was an article on a place in Mexico, San Miguel.  It looked pretty amazing.  San Miguel is apparently a cultural mecca, and new home and/or refuge to thousands of women in transition or embarking on new lives.

I came home and called DE and told her I think I want to go to San Miguel.  I’m a performer, so maybe I could get a booking there (for a month!) or something.

She said “I know about San Miguel.  A lot of ex-pats go there.”

I don’t know if Frida Kahlo, the artist, is from there or not, but the city is having something huge going on that has to do with her.  That was one of my favorite movies, Frida. It was so beautiful.  What an amazingly rich, inner (& outer) life she had.

It’s a tempting, romantic thought, thinking about running away to a place like that.  20 years ago, I made “all the right decisions” which brought me to where and how I’m living now, decisions driven by the best place to raise my family.  The schools here are good, there are a lot of parks and things for families to do.  But for me, an adult woman empty-nester & now empty-marriager, I don’t know if it’s what I need or want at this point in my life.

DE said Buenos Aires is one of the most culturally rich places in the world.  Every night you can go out and there are amazing plays, performances everywhere, many of them for free, or $5.  When she lived in Costa Rico, she said there were music practice rooms in the library with grand pianos in them!  Free to the public!  In the library!!!!!

Excuse me, but that is so different from the cultural landscape here.  

That’s another thing, you know, I get tunnel vision sometimes and forget how big and diverse the world is.

Here’s some math for you who enjoy quadratic equations:

If H(husband)+C(children)+M(me) = FL (Family Life, which stands for all that comes with it, location, vacations, bills, decisions, joys & compromises).

If I take away H+C, it’s not (H + C) + M = FL, but rather a whole new equation: 

M = ML (My life)

That’s what I have to keep remembering.

The stress and anxiety I occasionally allow myself to fall into are the growing pains of abandoning the old equation and getting to the new.

How much of everything that I know and have been and have structured my life around so far, (my town, my work, my relationships), will change in this process?  I don’t know.

Bring it on.

We buried Saint Joseph tonight 6 inches under the stones in front of our front window. As per the instructions that came with the kit, we buried him upside down, facing the street. We each said a prayer to help us sell the house, and I threw in an extra plea to maybe help us out with the piano.

Today we saged the house to give it good vibes – positive energy.

I had bought the sage yesterday, then got home and saw the instructions were very complicated. I also realized I probably wasn’t adequately prepared for what must be done. According to the instructions, I would also need a candle, a feather to fan the smoke, and specially chosen scented oil to dress the candle.

So it was back to the New Age store today. Sure enough, in the same display area where I had found the sage, there were feathers and scented oil.

The girl at the counter was very sweet and helpful. She said you don’t have to do the candle part. Just burning the sage is adequate for removing the negative energy from your home. She said just light the sage torch and go through your house in a clockwise motion, making sure you give the smoke a chance to get into all the floors, ceilings, doors, windows, nooks and crannies. Then when you’re done, fan the smoke out the back door, while asking all the negative energy to leave.

She said the candle part is good if you want to fill the home with your own positive energy. But if you’d rather prospective buyers fill the house with their own positive energy, then don’t do the candle part.

My future ex and I opted to let the future buyers fill the house with their own positive energy.

We asked, what about a ritual? Did we need to say a prayer, chant something? What did she recommend?

She said it’s all what you’re comfortable with. You could say a prayer to whoever for whatever, depending on your faith & comfort level. She also said we could walk through the house and sage it either separately or together. She said the important thing is your intention, that your intention be clear as you walk around, clearing the negative energy.

Good advice.

When we got home, my future ex and I proceeded to sage the house together, but I wasn’t feeling the appropriate positive energy, so I suggested we do it separately.

We completed our separate rituals about an hour ago. The house is still a little smoky, but I believe it feels better! (BTW – the sage torch we chose was white sage blended with cedar – very nice smell!)

The reality is, the divorce needs to move forward as quickly as possible.  I need to be financially independent as soon as possible.  There are still big things to sell; my house, a grand piano and a yellow plastic boat.

Maybe I’m not doing enough.  I know I’m not doing enough.  There are things I need to be doing every day.  Ok, we have a 9 foot plastic yellow boat.  Not worth more than $100 and I’ve put it up on Craig’s list a few times and have gotten some nibbles but no takers yet.  And it’s sitting there in my garage.  I should be listing it every day until it sells.  How much of my time and energy would that take?  Not a lot, and it needs to go.

Same with the piano.  I know it has to move.  I’ve made maybe 3 phone calls and we’ve had it on e-bay a couple of times.  There are probably 20 phone calls I can make to move this.  I need to be on the phone everyday.

It’s been almost a year now I’ve been aware of the reality.  So what am I doing?  Going off on all kinds of tangents, explorations, ideas, new ventures.  In stagnant, polluted waters.  Not the right place to build.

I know it’s ok to explore, and I have to.  But I woke up today realizing my priorities need to shift to removing and replanting this tree (me).  I need to do what needs to be done now.